Of actions and trickeries.

I haven't written a blogpost for the longest time and I'm not sure if I can or know what to say.

This blog, as I repeatedly read through the archives, reminds me of how hopeful I get when I'm in love. Most of the posts were written with such intense love and I remember those moments; I was usually so overwhelmed by this feeling of being blessed to know a beautiful soul and I needed to put those feelings into writing. And I did just that. Again and again.

Therefore, know that it fills me with disgust that I could have ever felt that strongly for a liar and a cheater. I'm ashamed to have poured my utmost effort in a false relationship. It was a terribly drawn out lie.

But I will always stand amazed at how things unravel and gets revealed like candy from a burst pinata.

Yes. I was blind for some time, beating away insecurities and nagging feelings when I hit the only colourful culprit who has been keeping secret side candies.

I'm over him but one can never get over betrayal. No. I keep that in my mind every time I meet someone new.


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On a much much happier note, I am currently pursuing my PhD in Anthropology here in Australia. I've had to learn a lot of new social theories and am on unfamiliar grounds but infinitely feeling happier and more confident than before.

God's plans are always great. Alhamdulillah. :)


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Hopefully, by publishing this post, I can somehow carry this blog onwards. I have no love to write about but then love is not the only act in life and I might have some other tricks up my sleeve. ;)

Back for a bit

I am currently trying to conjure up a new research proposal that will hopefully bring me to a new field (and a new continent) insyaAllah.

I am currently unemployed / freelancing just to sustain a comfortable enough living, pay the bills and meet the loved ones, alhamdulillah.

*pause*

I'll try to come back with some substance.

Mid-year Updates and Check-ups.

I haven't updated anything personal for quite some time. I have been keeping a written journal just to unleash the sometimes overwhelming adoration I feel towards him, so that is not a necessary topic to put here. Just know that I am happy and delighted to have found someone I can joke freely and talk deeply to. Alhamdulillah. If He feels this to be the best for us, then let it be the best we want.

I got into RCA. Mixed feelings about this as I'll be leaving behind a home I've known for 28 years and finally venturing out on my own. This is scary regardless of how old you are when the time comes. I just think I'm lucky to have the chance after technology has made the world a smaller place. Skype, WhatsApp, Viber and all kinds of communication tools to keep me in touch with the other side of the world.

We're at the other half of 2012 already. I think it's time to check the resolutions made and see how we've been so far, don't you?

Be nicer, be smarter, be stronger, be prettier.

I think being a bit more positive this year by being more grateful and realising that I have debts to pay Him, I've tried to be a better person. There's no limit to being nice and I think I still need more work there.

Working in editorial after a long hiatus has taught me a lot. This time around, I'm learning new tricks and re-learning forgotten ones.

I still cry easily but it doesn't mean I give up. There's no harm in giving in to some tears but there's a lot of wasted time in giving in to self-pity. And getting older makes me realise that time goes by so effortlessly fast and progressing with it is a much better thing to do than dwelling on pasts.

My self-esteem problem is not as terrible as before and therefore, I feel much more attractive. But I should probably work on being more healthy and fit.

At least 20 non-fiction books must be consumed.

This is terrible. I haven't done anything about this. And I'm going to be a M.Phil student soon. How embarrassing!

Tawbah, Tawakal, Sabar. Repeat daily.

Sometimes I forget. Nauzubillahiminzalik. I need to work harder on the "repeat daily" part there.

Write something daily. Draw something daily.

Have been writing daily since it's part of my job. Haven't been drawing daily, though. Might need to remedy that. Maybe at least an hour with my moleskine every night?





So far, this year has been a good year. I am blessed, alhamdulillah. I hope I deserved every single blessing. If I don't yet, I hope I shall continue working on deserving all this.

I hope the year has been kind to all of you too. Remember that difficulties may be tests from Him but that also means a chance to "increase your CGPA" with Him. So let's all work hard because it's not the end until the end of our breath.

Alhamdulillah and insyaAllah.

Of gratitude and hope.

He makes me want to throw myself into work and in a good way, because every time I think of him, I see the future and I know I want so badly to secure that, to be the best for him and us. So I need to be responsible for myself first. I need to find a balance of dependence and independence to equip myself, or us, with the strength to endure what the future holds.

They say realists are usually negative. Well I know that is really just what a negative person would say to validate their opinions, by claiming to be realists. I believe that your state of mind let's you see the choices you have to reach the goal. If you don't believe in your goal, you can't possibly believe in a real journey to reach it, can you?

I know that when I am alone, it is so hard to believe that I've found him, or he found me, but it just feels so natural when we're together. Alhamdulillah and insyaAllah.

I need to remember that always.

Alhamdulillah and insyaAllah.

Love,

I love it when you start to talk about your theories on how music has a formulaic design to it, how religion keeps us sane and calm, how philosophy keeps us questioning the questionable beliefs, how conspiracy theories conspire, how science randomly bites the scientists up their hypotheses…

And when you tease and taunt me. And your wide cheeky smile blooms. And you throw back your head to give out your insanely naughty laugh. And when you stop and stare again at me. And when you stroke my head lovingly. And when you whisper pet names.

You have got to be the sexiest man I’ve ever dated.




I must’ve done something right in life or I should start to do so just so that I deserve you.

Jobless no more!

Senior Writer.

Try saying that with a wide smile and a dreamy gaze in the eyes. That's how I say it.

*smiles dreamily* Senior Writer.

I'm back to doing something that I've always enjoyed (and hopefully prove to have a talent for). I'm writing for architecture, design and interior magazines. I used to work part-time as an Editorial Assistant for Blueprint Asia way back when I was taking my M.A. This time around, I'm working full time as a Senior Writer for 2 magazines!

It's not so strenuous, I hope, since both of the magazines aren't monthly issues. Home Concepts is bi-monthly whereas SPACE is issued quarterly.

:)

I'm just thoroughly happy that I get to do what I love to do.

*adjusts imaginary Architecture Nerd glasses because I'm actually wearing contact lenses*

Sunday Breakfast Club

I've had the best childhood because of my neighbours. Somehow, especially after high school and entering uni, we drifted apart, which is strange seeing that we literally live in a row and only a fence away from the next house.

Have to thank twitter, though. Setting up a breakfast get-together got even easier because of instant updates. We should do this more often. :)

Here are yours truly, my sister Afi, Kak Ima, Nayya and Shahida. Kak Tisha was supposed to join us but she hit the snooze button. :(

 Photos stolen from Kak Ima's facebook album. ;)

Give it up.

I'm so sorry.
I'm so so sorry.


But maybe. Quite possibly.
I am supposed to give up on waiting for something that's never promised for me.

I've been crying at intervals for the past couple of days. I'm trying to come to terms. There are people fated to be found and there are people fated to be alone. The strength is leaving me. I have more reasons to stop believing in a love out there for me. I'm 27 years old and all the relationships I had never lasted longer than a year and I had to change myself, sometimes entirely, to fit another person's ideal. I am always the one to make the first moves. I detected their desires and I changed accordingly and lived a lie, knowing deep inside that one day they'd leave me.

So what gives me the right to believe that there is someone out there who'd love and accept me entirely when that has never happened in my whole life?

What gives me the right to believe that I deserve to be loved?

Stupid girl.

Stop being so stupid.

Give up already. Give up and move on.

So mean.

I get it but you don't have to be so mean.
They don't have to be people who are close to me.
They can be strangers.

You know that little match-girl story? I am that girl and you are every single match I light up to get some warmth from. But in your light, you dream of something far far better than me.

I get it and you don't have to be so mean.

After the Pre-Marriage Course.

I attended a pre-marriage course this weekend in TTDI. I'm not getting married any time soon (I think) because I was there to accompany my friend. Her fiancé has already attended the course so I, as usual, am the chosen one to accompany someone's fiancée or wife. (Seriously, leave your girlfriend, fiancée or wife to me and don't worry. I make sure she has a good time without another man. *wriggle eyebrows* I can get testimonials.)

I don't have to gab about what the talks in this course is all about. Go take it yourself. The certificate lasts for a lifetime, although I'm pretty sure a woman kinda has her "expiry date". God knows. :P

But this is what I learned about the young Malay Muslim couples (soon to be young newly-weds):

1 ) Most guys' reason for marriage is to "menghalalkan yang haram dan mendapat kepuasan". And oh how excitedly they admit this.

2) Most girls know the price of gold per 100g. And they want Prada. And SKII.

3) Most couples were shocked to learn that the cost for marriage is roughly RM30000 above.

4) Most guys think it's exciting when the ustaz / ustazah talk about polygamy... and they're not even married yet to the fiancées they accompany to the course.

5) Most girls don't even know that your husbands demands and words are rules and the biggest sin is to go against his wishes. And yes, oral sex must be done to satisfy your husband if you're having your menses.

So in conclusion, most couples don't even realise how big a step they're taking in life AND the hereafter. We Muslims don't say "till death do us part". No. Marriage is a bond that transcends death.

Marry the one you want to enter Jannah with, not the one you want to enter the bedroom with.

Strange.

It is strange how the only one who has never given up on me is that one person I never got to have. It is strange how the only one who came to rescue me is the one who've broken my heart the most in the past. It is strange how the only one who thinks I'd make a great wife is the one who is not in love with me.

It is strange how I feel more loved and cared for by this person than by any of those who has ever said those "I love you"s and "I will marry you"s to me.

The absence of promises and lies. The baring of souls between two people who has no secrets left to keep from each other. I think we must've gone through all kinds of deal-breakers in our friendship but no dent is made.

Strange how we can say we know each other so well , yet we know so little of each other's lives. We've never spoken to each other of our families, or our past loves in detail, or our childhood memories.

If by any chance he might stumble upon this and read and recognise himself in these words, I have always had a soft spot for you ever since we first met. I don't know why. I tried not to but it's fated that our paths cross ever so often, we pick up things as if there were no time between our last.

Whatever happens in our future, you know I'll always have your back and I know you're never far away. You are a friend that I care deeply for.

Murmurs turn to beats.

I was born with heart murmurs caused by aortic regurgitation. This was how my heart sounded like. I went through heart surgery at the age of 6 and it's fixed.

Aortic regurgitation means that the pumped blood leaks back into the heart and, in time, the heart grows larger so that it can pump out more blood. According to the doctors, I could've died of big-heartedness by the age of 12. Symptoms are fatigue and weakness, almost life-threatening.

I was born with a defected aortic valve and the only reason the doctors found this out was because I defecated in during labour. That is a distress signal from the baby.

I like to tell people I was "born with a broken heart" and I "went through a lot of shit" to get to live till today.

Alhamdulillah, I have always been a survivor. :)

Oh what have I been up to now...

Beanies!
I crocheted a puff-stitch slouchy beanie in pink and it looks cute!

My mum bought 2 prints from me to give away as wedding gifts. I had to frame them up nicely. The added borders costed me a lot. -__- But I really like how it brings out the lines and colours.

And I made some name-cards. :)

I love my hobbies.

Desperation bordering on depression.

I can't sleep. Maybe it's a mild panic attack, I'm not sure. My heart is racing and all I can think of are how my future seem so blank and how I haven't achieved much in the past. And how I am pathetically stuck in the present, powerless and hopeless.

I think it's sinful to be this pitiful. It must be. This is all close to whining about life and fate. But really, who else is to be blamed but me?

I can't undo my past mistakes -- my wrong tactics, my failed strategies -- and all I can do is just shut up and listen to everybody pointing it out again and again to me. What am I supposed to say? Nothing. It's not like I don't know how I've failed and why I'm failing. And it's not like I can change what I did in the past. But that doesn't stop the voices of blame and it hurts even more when it comes from the people I depend on supporting me. I feel like I've failed as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend.

People always remind each other that their future is their own, be yourself, do what you want. It's not that easy. You have no idea how many people are affected by your decisions in life, how high their expectations of you are and how closely they observe your every step. At times, while you take your steps, you feel incredibly alone but once you reach a point -- of failure or of success -- the observers ambush you with their reaction -- of chastisement or of pride. But your journey is your own.

I am in desperation bordering on depression but I must be strong and do whatever I can within my power. There are some wrongs you cannot right -- this year has taught me that again and again -- and you have no choice but to trudge on and persevere.

My mother keeps pointing out that my mistake is for not sticking to one job for a long time. I know she's right. It shows my lack of commitment. I can't undo that. I can't defend myself about that. And I admit I am suffering the consequences but that should not stop me from sending out my resume like a cry for help right?

Currently, I have 30 active applications on job sites, 10 emails sent to magazines and an application to a PhD fellowship in Amsterdam. I will be sending out applications to more universities and jobs. This is all I can do within my power. This and pray and leave it to God.

Tawakal.

Hajat

"May I, can I, or have I too often now craving miracles?"

Sometimes I think I am asking for something unattainable. All I can hope for is to deserve whatever comes.

Promises.

It's that time of the year again. The end. And the imminent beginning of a new one. It's time for us to start making promises to ourselves. (And feel rotten for not keeping the ones we made earlier this year.)

I've never made new year resolutions but since 2011 proved to be such a blow to my confidence and self-esteem, I think goals need to be set to make sure I am back on track and progressing gracefully. Here are my 2012 resolutions.



Be nicer, be smarter, be stronger, be prettier.


I can get carried away saying spiteful things about people. Sometimes I make the worse assumptions out of something so small. I'm also very temperamental and I need to curb my anger better.

I think I've neglected gaining knowledge ever since I got my dreams shot down by an academician I used to look up to. He turned out to be a sort of academic egomaniac who'd only entertain those with the potential to be his puppets. My research goal did not fit his idea of academic progress and so he shot it down and refused to be open about it. It really got to my confidence. I felt like my dream is too big and nobody is there to support my climb. 

And then a mistake of a relationship happened right when I was distraught and worried about my dreams and future. I let go of my passion for knowledge. I let go of my believes. I did not think straight. I think I refused to think much and just feel, which is stupid and weak. Never again.

Also, don't let somebody use your physical insecurities to play with your heart and mind. I'm done with feeling ugly and shabby and fat. 

At least 20 non-fiction books must be consumed.

Unfortunately, I am very slow at reading non-fictions. That is not good. Reading books other than fiction will help me be smarter.

Tawbah, Tawakal, Sabar. Repeat daily.

Repent all the time, trust Him all the time and face everything that comes my way with more grace. Talk to Him all the time. And be more patient.

Write something daily. Draw something daily.

I need to write at least a paragraph daily, be it in this blog or in a journal. I do not want to lose my writing skill. It could be about anything. Just write.

And draw or doodle. Keep drawing because I love lines and colours, pens and papers. Do it because you need to always give attention to what you love, right?

So here's hoping I keep promises to myself and insyaAllah. :)

Of Life, Work and Play.

I am unemployed. Still.

I am going to apply for M.Phil / PhD in Cultural and Historical Studies in Royal College of Art, UK. I just need to sit for another IELTS because the last one was a bit over a couple of years ago. I already have a research proposal ready. So there. Let's try to get an offer and then go find a scholarship/loan.

I have been procrastinating on some illustration work. Actually, I'm feeling uninspired of late. Or maybe just lazy. I still need to make 9 watercolour pieces for a calendar. And some proposals for my friend's wedding.

I am such a slow reader. I used to be able to finish a novel in a few days but now it's taking me a few weeks. This is terrible.

I am convinced I'm turning into a vegetable. Or a rock.

I need to set goals. Like to write a blog post a day. A doodle a day. A novel a week. And I need to learn to meet my goals.

(Woman, get to it!)