How my late father stays a superhero.

My father passed away back when I was 13. Most people won't ask me about my father once they knew that but I love gushing over him. He remains a hero to me.

I look up to him in all aspects of his life. I admire his achievements, his humility, his silence and even his hobbies. I bought a guitar with my first pay just because my fondest memories of us together were our nightly sessions of playing oldies on his guitar. I took up architectural studies just because he used to have this hobby of designing dream houses.

To me, he was a perfect man. And he stayed perfect because I didn't get the chance to grow up and feel jaded about him. He passed away while I was still a girl worshipping her father. I didn't get the chance to use my critical eye on him.

Thinking back, he didn't really open up about his past to me. That's probably because I was still a child. After he passed away, my mum slowly opened up and tell us stories but she took care to always make sure they were stories that let him remain on this pedestal that I've created for him. Perhaps my mum realised earlier on that my father became the muse in most of my achievements. I fought very hard to become the daughter I imagine my father wants me to become.

Nearing 30, I realise that my father has his flaws. He went through some wild years when he was a student. He was a man with very few friends. When we go back to his hometown, my mum was the more amiable one.

Perhaps, my mum really became both mother and father after he passed away. She kept him bright in our minds, a beacon that drove us towards our dreams and aspirations. This simple housewife, who lost her husband while all 5 of her children were still studying, knew that looking up to a father who was perfect, successful  superlative, is the best way to spur us on.

I love my father for all the inspiration he has left me.

I love my mother for all the aspirations she lets me have.

Back for a bit

I am currently trying to conjure up a new research proposal that will hopefully bring me to a new field (and a new continent) insyaAllah.

I am currently unemployed / freelancing just to sustain a comfortable enough living, pay the bills and meet the loved ones, alhamdulillah.

*pause*

I'll try to come back with some substance.

Problem solving.

The problem with surrounding ourselves with people who give compliments freely is that we are so pampered to the point of not budging from this comfort zone.

The problem with surrounding ourselves with people who give non-constructive criticism is that we are so deep inside a ditch we keep digging to disappear from their eyes to the point of not being able to get out and explore our true potential.

The problem with letting ourselves get caught by these people, well, is a problem we can solve by running away...

... to the people we know can help us build ladders with supportive and constructive criticism, the people we know truly understands our potential and our limits, the people we know knows us too well to let us falter with fear or malaise.

One of those people is the one we see in the mirror. :)

Things Left Unsaid.

I have tried and I must come to terms that there is no good out of all my efforts for you. 

I can choose to ignore your negativity because it has become detrimental to my own emotions. I see no point of looking for you because you are hazardous to the calm and peace of my life.

I've worked very hard to sustain serenity through confiding in Allah, trusting Allah and being forever grateful to Allah. I'm working very hard to keep progressing in this manner. I feel like this is the healthiest I have ever been emotionally and mentally. I don't need your worldly troubles and worries to invade this positive space I've created around me. 

I'm not shutting you out completely but please leave your bitterness and negativity outside before you enter my private space. Thank you.

God bless you surely yet I hope your heart is unveiled enough to realise how cruel you have been to forget His blessings.

Eid Mubarak

Eid Mubarak to friends, acquaintances and strangers. I apologise for all of my wrongdoings and faults, intentionally or unintentionally, physically, mentally and emotionally. I'm merely human and am grateful to be given another day to reflect and repent.

Eid ulFitri means many things literally. It could mean a celebration for the end of fasting. It could mean a celebration for paying your alms dutifully. It could also mean a celebration for personal progress.

Whichever it may be to us, I hope our Ramadhan was fruitful and full of barakah. May Syawal bring us victory and blessings.

May He grace us with His Love and Mercy and allow us another Ramadhan to celebrate. InsyaAllah. :)

Flowers in Progress

Drawing something abstract while doing Muhasabah (self-reflection) and Muraqabah (being watchful) is a good way of multi-tasking. I also knit and crochet. 

You don't need to have prayer beads to remember Allah. :)

Other things you can do while Muhasabah and Muraqabah

• cook and bake
• exercise
• crafts - from sewing and quilting to woodwork and carpentry
• any hobbies

It's nice to be productive while you review your spiritual and personal self. I hope this helps us all get closer to Allah.

Bismillah & insyaAllah.

Reflections.

I've been making self-reflection a daily habit, most of the time during the few minutes before I go to sleep.

During the day and night, while we move along with our lives, whether we are alone or interacting with loved ones, acquaintances and strangers, we don't really have much time to reflect before and after our actions. I know that we should live life without regrets but a life without a single lesson learned must be truly wasted, don't you think so?

"Blessed is He who made the constellations in the heavens and made therein a lamp and a shining moon. And He it is Who made the night and the day to follow each other for him who desires to be mindful or desires to be thankful."

Al-Furqaan, 61-62.

We are taught and trained since very young to hone our deductive and mathematics skills. It sharpens our logical thinking. It heightens our intellectual prowess. It lets us understand cause and effect, and in turn lets us find valid solutions to get to a desired conclusion. Life is about constantly checking yourself, making sure you know your mistakes and making sure you don't repeat them. It's an innate mechanism of learning. That's how babies learn to understand sensations and emotions.

Most of the time, our lives are so fast-paced and we are from a generation that is more profit-driven than ever. Most of the things we do benefit ourselves more than others, even when it is intangible. It's a scary state of mind and personality.

I'm far from being a good person or Muslimah so I think a session of self-reflection daily would really help to put me back into humility and gratitude to Allah. How terrible it is to forget His every single blessing.

For all the sins and evils I've done, Astaghfirullahalazim.

For all the blessings I've received, Alhamdulillah.

For all the inspirations I've seen, Subhanallah.

For all the aspirations I have, InsyaAllah.

Ramadhan is going away again and I hope we all enter Syawal with the victory worthy of celebrating.  Eid Mubarak, everyone.