Desperation bordering on depression.

I can't sleep. Maybe it's a mild panic attack, I'm not sure. My heart is racing and all I can think of are how my future seem so blank and how I haven't achieved much in the past. And how I am pathetically stuck in the present, powerless and hopeless.

I think it's sinful to be this pitiful. It must be. This is all close to whining about life and fate. But really, who else is to be blamed but me?

I can't undo my past mistakes -- my wrong tactics, my failed strategies -- and all I can do is just shut up and listen to everybody pointing it out again and again to me. What am I supposed to say? Nothing. It's not like I don't know how I've failed and why I'm failing. And it's not like I can change what I did in the past. But that doesn't stop the voices of blame and it hurts even more when it comes from the people I depend on supporting me. I feel like I've failed as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend.

People always remind each other that their future is their own, be yourself, do what you want. It's not that easy. You have no idea how many people are affected by your decisions in life, how high their expectations of you are and how closely they observe your every step. At times, while you take your steps, you feel incredibly alone but once you reach a point -- of failure or of success -- the observers ambush you with their reaction -- of chastisement or of pride. But your journey is your own.

I am in desperation bordering on depression but I must be strong and do whatever I can within my power. There are some wrongs you cannot right -- this year has taught me that again and again -- and you have no choice but to trudge on and persevere.

My mother keeps pointing out that my mistake is for not sticking to one job for a long time. I know she's right. It shows my lack of commitment. I can't undo that. I can't defend myself about that. And I admit I am suffering the consequences but that should not stop me from sending out my resume like a cry for help right?

Currently, I have 30 active applications on job sites, 10 emails sent to magazines and an application to a PhD fellowship in Amsterdam. I will be sending out applications to more universities and jobs. This is all I can do within my power. This and pray and leave it to God.

Tawakal.