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Hajat

"May I, can I, or have I too often now craving miracles?"

Sometimes I think I am asking for something unattainable. All I can hope for is to deserve whatever comes.

Promises.

It's that time of the year again. The end. And the imminent beginning of a new one. It's time for us to start making promises to ourselves. (And feel rotten for not keeping the ones we made earlier this year.)

I've never made new year resolutions but since 2011 proved to be such a blow to my confidence and self-esteem, I think goals need to be set to make sure I am back on track and progressing gracefully. Here are my 2012 resolutions.



Be nicer, be smarter, be stronger, be prettier.


I can get carried away saying spiteful things about people. Sometimes I make the worse assumptions out of something so small. I'm also very temperamental and I need to curb my anger better.

I think I've neglected gaining knowledge ever since I got my dreams shot down by an academician I used to look up to. He turned out to be a sort of academic egomaniac who'd only entertain those with the potential to be his puppets. My research goal did not fit his idea of academic progress and so he shot it down and refused to be open about it. It really got to my confidence. I felt like my dream is too big and nobody is there to support my climb. 

And then a mistake of a relationship happened right when I was distraught and worried about my dreams and future. I let go of my passion for knowledge. I let go of my believes. I did not think straight. I think I refused to think much and just feel, which is stupid and weak. Never again.

Also, don't let somebody use your physical insecurities to play with your heart and mind. I'm done with feeling ugly and shabby and fat. 

At least 20 non-fiction books must be consumed.

Unfortunately, I am very slow at reading non-fictions. That is not good. Reading books other than fiction will help me be smarter.

Tawbah, Tawakal, Sabar. Repeat daily.

Repent all the time, trust Him all the time and face everything that comes my way with more grace. Talk to Him all the time. And be more patient.

Write something daily. Draw something daily.

I need to write at least a paragraph daily, be it in this blog or in a journal. I do not want to lose my writing skill. It could be about anything. Just write.

And draw or doodle. Keep drawing because I love lines and colours, pens and papers. Do it because you need to always give attention to what you love, right?

So here's hoping I keep promises to myself and insyaAllah. :)

Don't use the Quran as your weapon.

الْخَبِيثَاتُ لِلْخَبِيثِينَ وَالْخَبِيثُونَ لِلْخَبِيثَاتِ وَالطَّيِّبَاتُ لِلطَّيِّبِينَ وَالطَّيِّبُونَ لِلطَّيِّبَاتِ أُولَئِكَ مُبَرَّءُونَ مِمَّا يَقُولُونَ لَهُمْ مَغْفِرَةٌ وَرِزْقٌ كَرِيمٌ

"Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say: for them there is forgiveness, and a provision honourable." Quran (24:26)



People tend to quote the ayat up till "for women of purity" and follow up their "quotation" with some judgemental statement about how some 2 people deserve each other. The main point of this ayat, I feel, is really the second part. It is about repentance and we are all in His Mercy.

So really. Who are we to judge? Stop speculating on others. If you can't love them, love Him.

Trust in me.

I have trust issues. It stems from failed relationships, dating men who took advantage of my insecurities. People advise me to find a nice guy. How can you tell if somebody is nice?

A religious background does not guarantee you that. At times, it just guarantees a male-chauvinist's point of view in life.

Nice words are obviously overrated. They are poisonous weapons of destruction.

Nice gestures? Oh if a person can lie with words, it is much easier to be quiet and move with deceit.




Maybe it's not about trusting him. Maybe it's all about trusting yourself.

There is nothing wrong about knowing who you want, what you want. There is nothing wrong with choosing because you know exactly what you want. It just means you trust yourself fully.

At the end of the day, while he sleeps and dream a separate world from you, you are left to your own thoughts and judgement. Do not ignore your own voice, the voice that tells you "He's the one!" or (unfortunately with truth) "What if you're just settling with this one?" Do not ignore that voice because, trust me, it will still be there the next night.



God gives you the ability to love and fate is in His hands. It is just logical to leave love in his Hands as well. The turmoil and doubt you feel when you are in love is a sign to start speaking to Him. Trust in Him. Trust in yourself. Trust in me.

Why I Am Single At The Age of 27.

I'm actually vain enough to think I'm pretty in some eyes. No, I'm actually pretty enough to be called pretty by some guys. (Thank you.) But why am I still single at the age of 27?

You might notice from my photo that I am a hijabi. (That's just a shorter term for someone who wears the hijab.) So I really don't know who invented the stereotype that all Malay girls who wear the hijab are a certain kind of girl. The kind who'd be docile and has a pliable personality. The kind that most Malay men would gladly take under their armpits and be made to follow their every whim. The kind that I am (obviously) not.

It irks me that for the 10 years I've worn my hijab, I've only attracted a certain kind of men. Malay men with Malay ideologies of what a good woman is supposed to be like.

Apparently having opinions are bad. It makes me controlling, even though all I did was voice my principles, not impose my ideas on them. I don't force them to follow my way of thinking, I only demand to be heard. But obviously to be heard means to be obeyed for these men. Funny. Psychologically, I'm pretty sure that just proves that they want me to obey and follow their ideologies. Kena hidung kau balik.

Apparently living in Damansara and being 'anak datuk'  means I do not eat at mamak stall, I roll around with a driver, I shop at expensive branded outlets and I have never stepped into 'dunia orang biasa'. It also meant my kampung is not a kampung, I can't possibly know how to eat with my hands and, well, I basically epitomise the whole stereotype of an 'anak datuk' you see in shallow Malay movies or read in shallow Malay novels (written mostly by girls who have never been to Damansara or know any real 'anak datuk'.)

Whatever I say, it won't erase these preconceived ideas those stupid Malay men have of me. Yes. All of them are Malay. Only they are stubborn enough to still believe in their idea of who I am even after dating me for 3-6 months. Heck, they even try to change me, or hope that I'd change enough for them.

However, I'm not saying all men are like these bunch of idiots. No. Some are incredibly understanding and quick to gather that I am really just like any of their other girl friends but with hijab on. The hijab does not stop me from reading books, having interests, getting ideas or living a life. And being an 'anak datuk' does not stop me from loving budu and ulam, speaking fluent Kelantanese every time I go back to kampung (or just hanging out with my family at home) and frequenting mamaks where cute stray cats jump onto my lap knowingly.

I'm not unique and different. There are many girls like me. It just so happens that they don't wear the hijab or hang out in a very Malay clan right out of a shallow Malay movie.




I haven't answered the topic at hand. I think it's partially because of how my hijab and racial features attract the kind of guys I just described. It's also because I really don't like the kind of guys I attract. And most saddening is how the guys I am attracted to don't go for girls like me. Or they would if I'm not wearing a hijab.

No, my hijab is not the problem. People's perception are. The hijab is worn so that people will not judge from appearance but unfortunately they still do.

What I do to procrastinate on writing.

I do some illustrations.

Like these from a calendar series I'm working on.