Just one word.

A friend asked this question : In a word, how would you like to be remembered?

Immediately, I realised that we are all caught up in worrying about how people remember us, we speculate about what people think of us and we end up second-guessing ourselves most of the time. The question is simple but it differs drastically from "How do you think people remember you?" It urges us to think of what we aspire to be, something we tend to forget to do the older we get.

It's a good question to ask daily and to check whether we've done anything to meet the requirement we place on ourselves. Focusing on a word per day, per week, per month and striving to be who we want to be. InsyaAllah, a constant push and reminder.

So let's ask the question and let's find the answer within ourselves because it sure isn't in anybody else.

So what's your answer? ;)

How my late father stays a superhero.

My father passed away back when I was 13. Most people won't ask me about my father once they knew that but I love gushing over him. He remains a hero to me.

I look up to him in all aspects of his life. I admire his achievements, his humility, his silence and even his hobbies. I bought a guitar with my first pay just because my fondest memories of us together were our nightly sessions of playing oldies on his guitar. I took up architectural studies just because he used to have this hobby of designing dream houses.

To me, he was a perfect man. And he stayed perfect because I didn't get the chance to grow up and feel jaded about him. He passed away while I was still a girl worshipping her father. I didn't get the chance to use my critical eye on him.

Thinking back, he didn't really open up about his past to me. That's probably because I was still a child. After he passed away, my mum slowly opened up and tell us stories but she took care to always make sure they were stories that let him remain on this pedestal that I've created for him. Perhaps my mum realised earlier on that my father became the muse in most of my achievements. I fought very hard to become the daughter I imagine my father wants me to become.

Nearing 30, I realise that my father has his flaws. He went through some wild years when he was a student. He was a man with very few friends. When we go back to his hometown, my mum was the more amiable one.

Perhaps, my mum really became both mother and father after he passed away. She kept him bright in our minds, a beacon that drove us towards our dreams and aspirations. This simple housewife, who lost her husband while all 5 of her children were still studying, knew that looking up to a father who was perfect, successful  superlative, is the best way to spur us on.

I love my father for all the inspiration he has left me.

I love my mother for all the aspirations she lets me have.

Problem solving.

The problem with surrounding ourselves with people who give compliments freely is that we are so pampered to the point of not budging from this comfort zone.

The problem with surrounding ourselves with people who give non-constructive criticism is that we are so deep inside a ditch we keep digging to disappear from their eyes to the point of not being able to get out and explore our true potential.

The problem with letting ourselves get caught by these people, well, is a problem we can solve by running away...

... to the people we know can help us build ladders with supportive and constructive criticism, the people we know truly understands our potential and our limits, the people we know knows us too well to let us falter with fear or malaise.

One of those people is the one we see in the mirror. :)

Eid Mubarak

Eid Mubarak to friends, acquaintances and strangers. I apologise for all of my wrongdoings and faults, intentionally or unintentionally, physically, mentally and emotionally. I'm merely human and am grateful to be given another day to reflect and repent.

Eid ulFitri means many things literally. It could mean a celebration for the end of fasting. It could mean a celebration for paying your alms dutifully. It could also mean a celebration for personal progress.

Whichever it may be to us, I hope our Ramadhan was fruitful and full of barakah. May Syawal bring us victory and blessings.

May He grace us with His Love and Mercy and allow us another Ramadhan to celebrate. InsyaAllah. :)

Sink or swim : Friendship

The concept of friendship is something that becomes clearer the older you get and the more mistakes you make (as in the more fake friends, toxic friends or mismatched friends). I think there must be so many labels out there on these "negative" friends yet the simplest "true friend" is enough to encompass all that is positive from this relationship.

Friendship, to me, has always been a more important aspect in life than romance (maybe because I lack the latter in my life thus far) and so I may over-think the things concerning friends. Fall-outs happen and I try to figure out why it happened and whether it could have been prevented.

Whatever it is, it's a relationship between two people. And like a relationship of romantic love, you need to work things out. Communication, trust, balance. If you don't have those, no relationship may work, even the unconditional love ones with your family.

Sometimes people are not aware of how they hurt you. Most of the time, good intentions turn into bad situations but I've always believed that this always happens if you're not being true to yourself. We, being human, like to dress up our selfish needs as good intentions. Come on. Don't deny it.

But just be careful to not be toxic to your friends as well as not to keep friends who are toxic to you.

(Here is a helpful page to help you identify you toxic friends or, God forbid, your own toxic traits)

If you're doing a favour, do it because you really are sincere and not because you want a reward.

If you're lending a helping hand, help because you know you are able to and your friend is in need and not because you want to look good or get some brownie points out of it.

If you actually have some hope or expectations of a reward or payment, tell them. If they are really a friend to you, they'd appreciate the honesty.

If you just can't seem to be honest with them, well, what's the point anyway?

The older you get, the oftener you tend to count your true friends. But why don't we make a difference here by counting how many people we are being true friends to. 

I'm still working on being a friend when you're in need. InsyaAllah I'll be a better one in the future. Bismillah.

Warm hearts.

I've been watching Internet Icon on Youtube and it's getting more fun day by day. My favourites are The Fu Music and Brothers Riedell.

This video is the sweetest. :)





I hope someday you'll be my home, insyaAllah.

Of gratitude and hope.

He makes me want to throw myself into work and in a good way, because every time I think of him, I see the future and I know I want so badly to secure that, to be the best for him and us. So I need to be responsible for myself first. I need to find a balance of dependence and independence to equip myself, or us, with the strength to endure what the future holds.

They say realists are usually negative. Well I know that is really just what a negative person would say to validate their opinions, by claiming to be realists. I believe that your state of mind let's you see the choices you have to reach the goal. If you don't believe in your goal, you can't possibly believe in a real journey to reach it, can you?

I know that when I am alone, it is so hard to believe that I've found him, or he found me, but it just feels so natural when we're together. Alhamdulillah and insyaAllah.

I need to remember that always.

Alhamdulillah and insyaAllah.

Love,

I love it when you start to talk about your theories on how music has a formulaic design to it, how religion keeps us sane and calm, how philosophy keeps us questioning the questionable beliefs, how conspiracy theories conspire, how science randomly bites the scientists up their hypotheses…

And when you tease and taunt me. And your wide cheeky smile blooms. And you throw back your head to give out your insanely naughty laugh. And when you stop and stare again at me. And when you stroke my head lovingly. And when you whisper pet names.

You have got to be the sexiest man I’ve ever dated.




I must’ve done something right in life or I should start to do so just so that I deserve you.

I see you everywhere.

I think, for most of us, what we find attractive is really a sort of familiarity because it evokes fond memories of peaceful times. Also, familiarity is a consistency and consistency shows stability. We are attracted to familiar faces because, in love, we crave nothing more than stability.

But we didn’t stop to think if it’ll hurt to see the faces that remind us of the ones that didn’t work out.

Sunday Breakfast Club

I've had the best childhood because of my neighbours. Somehow, especially after high school and entering uni, we drifted apart, which is strange seeing that we literally live in a row and only a fence away from the next house.

Have to thank twitter, though. Setting up a breakfast get-together got even easier because of instant updates. We should do this more often. :)

Here are yours truly, my sister Afi, Kak Ima, Nayya and Shahida. Kak Tisha was supposed to join us but she hit the snooze button. :(

 Photos stolen from Kak Ima's facebook album. ;)

Give it up.

I'm so sorry.
I'm so so sorry.


But maybe. Quite possibly.
I am supposed to give up on waiting for something that's never promised for me.

I've been crying at intervals for the past couple of days. I'm trying to come to terms. There are people fated to be found and there are people fated to be alone. The strength is leaving me. I have more reasons to stop believing in a love out there for me. I'm 27 years old and all the relationships I had never lasted longer than a year and I had to change myself, sometimes entirely, to fit another person's ideal. I am always the one to make the first moves. I detected their desires and I changed accordingly and lived a lie, knowing deep inside that one day they'd leave me.

So what gives me the right to believe that there is someone out there who'd love and accept me entirely when that has never happened in my whole life?

What gives me the right to believe that I deserve to be loved?

Stupid girl.

Stop being so stupid.

Give up already. Give up and move on.

So mean.

I get it but you don't have to be so mean.
They don't have to be people who are close to me.
They can be strangers.

You know that little match-girl story? I am that girl and you are every single match I light up to get some warmth from. But in your light, you dream of something far far better than me.

I get it and you don't have to be so mean.

After the Pre-Marriage Course.

I attended a pre-marriage course this weekend in TTDI. I'm not getting married any time soon (I think) because I was there to accompany my friend. Her fiancé has already attended the course so I, as usual, am the chosen one to accompany someone's fiancée or wife. (Seriously, leave your girlfriend, fiancée or wife to me and don't worry. I make sure she has a good time without another man. *wriggle eyebrows* I can get testimonials.)

I don't have to gab about what the talks in this course is all about. Go take it yourself. The certificate lasts for a lifetime, although I'm pretty sure a woman kinda has her "expiry date". God knows. :P

But this is what I learned about the young Malay Muslim couples (soon to be young newly-weds):

1 ) Most guys' reason for marriage is to "menghalalkan yang haram dan mendapat kepuasan". And oh how excitedly they admit this.

2) Most girls know the price of gold per 100g. And they want Prada. And SKII.

3) Most couples were shocked to learn that the cost for marriage is roughly RM30000 above.

4) Most guys think it's exciting when the ustaz / ustazah talk about polygamy... and they're not even married yet to the fiancées they accompany to the course.

5) Most girls don't even know that your husbands demands and words are rules and the biggest sin is to go against his wishes. And yes, oral sex must be done to satisfy your husband if you're having your menses.

So in conclusion, most couples don't even realise how big a step they're taking in life AND the hereafter. We Muslims don't say "till death do us part". No. Marriage is a bond that transcends death.

Marry the one you want to enter Jannah with, not the one you want to enter the bedroom with.

Strange.

It is strange how the only one who has never given up on me is that one person I never got to have. It is strange how the only one who came to rescue me is the one who've broken my heart the most in the past. It is strange how the only one who thinks I'd make a great wife is the one who is not in love with me.

It is strange how I feel more loved and cared for by this person than by any of those who has ever said those "I love you"s and "I will marry you"s to me.

The absence of promises and lies. The baring of souls between two people who has no secrets left to keep from each other. I think we must've gone through all kinds of deal-breakers in our friendship but no dent is made.

Strange how we can say we know each other so well , yet we know so little of each other's lives. We've never spoken to each other of our families, or our past loves in detail, or our childhood memories.

If by any chance he might stumble upon this and read and recognise himself in these words, I have always had a soft spot for you ever since we first met. I don't know why. I tried not to but it's fated that our paths cross ever so often, we pick up things as if there were no time between our last.

Whatever happens in our future, you know I'll always have your back and I know you're never far away. You are a friend that I care deeply for.

Motions and Rest

What I want to do most of the time is drive slowly through quietened cities at ungodly hours with a playlist that makes me want to glide down endless roads. See how the buildings give out a more subdued urban feel, the kind of feeling you get when a paternal figure sings a lullaby in soft tones and deep voice and you can read the protectiveness beneath the strength. The lights, harshly reflected on passing cars, are shy observers that wait for me to go by without a thank you but I can't imagine the city without its yellow-washed midnight glamour.

And someone to sit beside me, static and loyal and familiar, as we move through the emptiness as if we own every single corner of the city. The past, the present, the future, all tossed into this mix of motions and rest.

A love like that. A love like a mix of motions and rest where we are in constant play of gestures and words and situations yet we find, subliminally, the rest we most desperately need within each other. A love like that. I should hope to have.

Don't use the Quran as your weapon.

الْخَبِيثَاتُ لِلْخَبِيثِينَ وَالْخَبِيثُونَ لِلْخَبِيثَاتِ وَالطَّيِّبَاتُ لِلطَّيِّبِينَ وَالطَّيِّبُونَ لِلطَّيِّبَاتِ أُولَئِكَ مُبَرَّءُونَ مِمَّا يَقُولُونَ لَهُمْ مَغْفِرَةٌ وَرِزْقٌ كَرِيمٌ

"Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say: for them there is forgiveness, and a provision honourable." Quran (24:26)



People tend to quote the ayat up till "for women of purity" and follow up their "quotation" with some judgemental statement about how some 2 people deserve each other. The main point of this ayat, I feel, is really the second part. It is about repentance and we are all in His Mercy.

So really. Who are we to judge? Stop speculating on others. If you can't love them, love Him.

Trust in me.

I have trust issues. It stems from failed relationships, dating men who took advantage of my insecurities. People advise me to find a nice guy. How can you tell if somebody is nice?

A religious background does not guarantee you that. At times, it just guarantees a male-chauvinist's point of view in life.

Nice words are obviously overrated. They are poisonous weapons of destruction.

Nice gestures? Oh if a person can lie with words, it is much easier to be quiet and move with deceit.




Maybe it's not about trusting him. Maybe it's all about trusting yourself.

There is nothing wrong about knowing who you want, what you want. There is nothing wrong with choosing because you know exactly what you want. It just means you trust yourself fully.

At the end of the day, while he sleeps and dream a separate world from you, you are left to your own thoughts and judgement. Do not ignore your own voice, the voice that tells you "He's the one!" or (unfortunately with truth) "What if you're just settling with this one?" Do not ignore that voice because, trust me, it will still be there the next night.



God gives you the ability to love and fate is in His hands. It is just logical to leave love in his Hands as well. The turmoil and doubt you feel when you are in love is a sign to start speaking to Him. Trust in Him. Trust in yourself. Trust in me.