I haven't written a blogpost for the longest time and I'm not sure if I can or know what to say.
This blog, as I repeatedly read through the archives, reminds me of how hopeful I get when I'm in love. Most of the posts were written with such intense love and I remember those moments; I was usually so overwhelmed by this feeling of being blessed to know a beautiful soul and I needed to put those feelings into writing. And I did just that. Again and again.
Therefore, know that it fills me with disgust that I could have ever felt that strongly for a liar and a cheater. I'm ashamed to have poured my utmost effort in a false relationship. It was a terribly drawn out lie.
But I will always stand amazed at how things unravel and gets revealed like candy from a burst pinata.
Yes. I was blind for some time, beating away insecurities and nagging feelings when I hit the only colourful culprit who has been keeping secret side candies.
I'm over him but one can never get over betrayal. No. I keep that in my mind every time I meet someone new.
______
On a much much happier note, I am currently pursuing my PhD in Anthropology here in Australia. I've had to learn a lot of new social theories and am on unfamiliar grounds but infinitely feeling happier and more confident than before.
God's plans are always great. Alhamdulillah. :)
_______
Hopefully, by publishing this post, I can somehow carry this blog onwards. I have no love to write about but then love is not the only act in life and I might have some other tricks up my sleeve. ;)
Showing posts with label A woman's scorn. Show all posts
Showing posts with label A woman's scorn. Show all posts
Friday, October 17, 2014
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Problem solving.
The problem with surrounding ourselves with people who give compliments freely is that we are so pampered to the point of not budging from this comfort zone.
The problem with surrounding ourselves with people who give non-constructive criticism is that we are so deep inside a ditch we keep digging to disappear from their eyes to the point of not being able to get out and explore our true potential.
The problem with letting ourselves get caught by these people, well, is a problem we can solve by running away...
... to the people we know can help us build ladders with supportive and constructive criticism, the people we know truly understands our potential and our limits, the people we know knows us too well to let us falter with fear or malaise.
One of those people is the one we see in the mirror. :)
Friday, August 24, 2012
Things Left Unsaid.
I have tried and I must come to terms that there is no good out of all my efforts for you.
I can choose to ignore your negativity because it has become detrimental to my own emotions. I see no point of looking for you because you are hazardous to the calm and peace of my life.
I've worked very hard to sustain serenity through confiding in Allah, trusting Allah and being forever grateful to Allah. I'm working very hard to keep progressing in this manner. I feel like this is the healthiest I have ever been emotionally and mentally. I don't need your worldly troubles and worries to invade this positive space I've created around me.
I'm not shutting you out completely but please leave your bitterness and negativity outside before you enter my private space. Thank you.
God bless you surely yet I hope your heart is unveiled enough to realise how cruel you have been to forget His blessings.
Monday, January 30, 2012
After the Pre-Marriage Course.
I attended a pre-marriage course this weekend in TTDI. I'm not getting married any time soon (I think) because I was there to accompany my friend. Her fiancé has already attended the course so I, as usual, am the chosen one to accompany someone's fiancée or wife. (Seriously, leave your girlfriend, fiancée or wife to me and don't worry. I make sure she has a good time without another man. *wriggle eyebrows* I can get testimonials.)
1 ) Most guys' reason for marriage is to "menghalalkan yang haram dan mendapat kepuasan". And oh how excitedly they admit this.
2) Most girls know the price of gold per 100g. And they want Prada. And SKII.
3) Most couples were shocked to learn that the cost for marriage is roughly RM30000 above.
4) Most guys think it's exciting when the ustaz / ustazah talk about polygamy... and they're not even married yet to the fiancées they accompany to the course.
5) Most girls don't even know that your husbands demands and words are rules and the biggest sin is to go against his wishes. And yes, oral sex must be done to satisfy your husband if you're having your menses.
So in conclusion, most couples don't even realise how big a step they're taking in life AND the hereafter. We Muslims don't say "till death do us part". No. Marriage is a bond that transcends death.
Marry the one you want to enter Jannah with, not the one you want to enter the bedroom with.
I don't have to gab about what the talks in this course is all about. Go take it yourself. The certificate lasts for a lifetime, although I'm pretty sure a woman kinda has her "expiry date". God knows. :P
But this is what I learned about the young Malay Muslim couples (soon to be young newly-weds):
1 ) Most guys' reason for marriage is to "menghalalkan yang haram dan mendapat kepuasan". And oh how excitedly they admit this.
2) Most girls know the price of gold per 100g. And they want Prada. And SKII.
3) Most couples were shocked to learn that the cost for marriage is roughly RM30000 above.
4) Most guys think it's exciting when the ustaz / ustazah talk about polygamy... and they're not even married yet to the fiancées they accompany to the course.
5) Most girls don't even know that your husbands demands and words are rules and the biggest sin is to go against his wishes. And yes, oral sex must be done to satisfy your husband if you're having your menses.
So in conclusion, most couples don't even realise how big a step they're taking in life AND the hereafter. We Muslims don't say "till death do us part". No. Marriage is a bond that transcends death.
Marry the one you want to enter Jannah with, not the one you want to enter the bedroom with.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Trust in me.
I have trust issues. It stems from failed relationships, dating men who took advantage of my insecurities. People advise me to find a nice guy. How can you tell if somebody is nice?
A religious background does not guarantee you that. At times, it just guarantees a male-chauvinist's point of view in life.
Nice words are obviously overrated. They are poisonous weapons of destruction.
Nice gestures? Oh if a person can lie with words, it is much easier to be quiet and move with deceit.
Maybe it's not about trusting him. Maybe it's all about trusting yourself.
There is nothing wrong about knowing who you want, what you want. There is nothing wrong with choosing because you know exactly what you want. It just means you trust yourself fully.
At the end of the day, while he sleeps and dream a separate world from you, you are left to your own thoughts and judgement. Do not ignore your own voice, the voice that tells you "He's the one!" or (unfortunately with truth) "What if you're just settling with this one?" Do not ignore that voice because, trust me, it will still be there the next night.
God gives you the ability to love and fate is in His hands. It is just logical to leave love in his Hands as well. The turmoil and doubt you feel when you are in love is a sign to start speaking to Him. Trust in Him. Trust in yourself. Trust in me.
A religious background does not guarantee you that. At times, it just guarantees a male-chauvinist's point of view in life.
Nice words are obviously overrated. They are poisonous weapons of destruction.
Nice gestures? Oh if a person can lie with words, it is much easier to be quiet and move with deceit.
Maybe it's not about trusting him. Maybe it's all about trusting yourself.
There is nothing wrong about knowing who you want, what you want. There is nothing wrong with choosing because you know exactly what you want. It just means you trust yourself fully.
At the end of the day, while he sleeps and dream a separate world from you, you are left to your own thoughts and judgement. Do not ignore your own voice, the voice that tells you "He's the one!" or (unfortunately with truth) "What if you're just settling with this one?" Do not ignore that voice because, trust me, it will still be there the next night.
God gives you the ability to love and fate is in His hands. It is just logical to leave love in his Hands as well. The turmoil and doubt you feel when you are in love is a sign to start speaking to Him. Trust in Him. Trust in yourself. Trust in me.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Why I Am Single At The Age of 27.
I'm actually vain enough to think I'm pretty in some eyes. No, I'm actually pretty enough to be called pretty by some guys. (Thank you.) But why am I still single at the age of 27?
You might notice from my photo that I am a hijabi. (That's just a shorter term for someone who wears the hijab.) So I really don't know who invented the stereotype that all Malay girls who wear the hijab are a certain kind of girl. The kind who'd be docile and has a pliable personality. The kind that most Malay men would gladly take under their armpits and be made to follow their every whim. The kind that I am (obviously) not.
It irks me that for the 10 years I've worn my hijab, I've only attracted a certain kind of men. Malay men with Malay ideologies of what a good woman is supposed to be like.
Apparently having opinions are bad. It makes me controlling, even though all I did was voice my principles, not impose my ideas on them. I don't force them to follow my way of thinking, I only demand to be heard. But obviously to be heard means to be obeyed for these men. Funny. Psychologically, I'm pretty sure that just proves that they want me to obey and follow their ideologies. Kena hidung kau balik.
Apparently living in Damansara and being 'anak datuk' means I do not eat at mamak stall, I roll around with a driver, I shop at expensive branded outlets and I have never stepped into 'dunia orang biasa'. It also meant my kampung is not a kampung, I can't possibly know how to eat with my hands and, well, I basically epitomise the whole stereotype of an 'anak datuk' you see in shallow Malay movies or read in shallow Malay novels (written mostly by girls who have never been to Damansara or know any real 'anak datuk'.)
Whatever I say, it won't erase these preconceived ideas those stupid Malay men have of me. Yes. All of them are Malay. Only they are stubborn enough to still believe in their idea of who I am even after dating me for 3-6 months. Heck, they even try to change me, or hope that I'd change enough for them.
However, I'm not saying all men are like these bunch of idiots. No. Some are incredibly understanding and quick to gather that I am really just like any of their other girl friends but with hijab on. The hijab does not stop me from reading books, having interests, getting ideas or living a life. And being an 'anak datuk' does not stop me from loving budu and ulam, speaking fluent Kelantanese every time I go back to kampung (or just hanging out with my family at home) and frequenting mamaks where cute stray cats jump onto my lap knowingly.
I'm not unique and different. There are many girls like me. It just so happens that they don't wear the hijab or hang out in a very Malay clan right out of a shallow Malay movie.
I haven't answered the topic at hand. I think it's partially because of how my hijab and racial features attract the kind of guys I just described. It's also because I really don't like the kind of guys I attract. And most saddening is how the guys I am attracted to don't go for girls like me. Or they would if I'm not wearing a hijab.
No, my hijab is not the problem. People's perception are. The hijab is worn so that people will not judge from appearance but unfortunately they still do.
You might notice from my photo that I am a hijabi. (That's just a shorter term for someone who wears the hijab.) So I really don't know who invented the stereotype that all Malay girls who wear the hijab are a certain kind of girl. The kind who'd be docile and has a pliable personality. The kind that most Malay men would gladly take under their armpits and be made to follow their every whim. The kind that I am (obviously) not.
It irks me that for the 10 years I've worn my hijab, I've only attracted a certain kind of men. Malay men with Malay ideologies of what a good woman is supposed to be like.
Apparently having opinions are bad. It makes me controlling, even though all I did was voice my principles, not impose my ideas on them. I don't force them to follow my way of thinking, I only demand to be heard. But obviously to be heard means to be obeyed for these men. Funny. Psychologically, I'm pretty sure that just proves that they want me to obey and follow their ideologies. Kena hidung kau balik.
Apparently living in Damansara and being 'anak datuk' means I do not eat at mamak stall, I roll around with a driver, I shop at expensive branded outlets and I have never stepped into 'dunia orang biasa'. It also meant my kampung is not a kampung, I can't possibly know how to eat with my hands and, well, I basically epitomise the whole stereotype of an 'anak datuk' you see in shallow Malay movies or read in shallow Malay novels (written mostly by girls who have never been to Damansara or know any real 'anak datuk'.)
Whatever I say, it won't erase these preconceived ideas those stupid Malay men have of me. Yes. All of them are Malay. Only they are stubborn enough to still believe in their idea of who I am even after dating me for 3-6 months. Heck, they even try to change me, or hope that I'd change enough for them.
However, I'm not saying all men are like these bunch of idiots. No. Some are incredibly understanding and quick to gather that I am really just like any of their other girl friends but with hijab on. The hijab does not stop me from reading books, having interests, getting ideas or living a life. And being an 'anak datuk' does not stop me from loving budu and ulam, speaking fluent Kelantanese every time I go back to kampung (or just hanging out with my family at home) and frequenting mamaks where cute stray cats jump onto my lap knowingly.
I'm not unique and different. There are many girls like me. It just so happens that they don't wear the hijab or hang out in a very Malay clan right out of a shallow Malay movie.
I haven't answered the topic at hand. I think it's partially because of how my hijab and racial features attract the kind of guys I just described. It's also because I really don't like the kind of guys I attract. And most saddening is how the guys I am attracted to don't go for girls like me. Or they would if I'm not wearing a hijab.
No, my hijab is not the problem. People's perception are. The hijab is worn so that people will not judge from appearance but unfortunately they still do.
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