Of gratitude and hope.

He makes me want to throw myself into work and in a good way, because every time I think of him, I see the future and I know I want so badly to secure that, to be the best for him and us. So I need to be responsible for myself first. I need to find a balance of dependence and independence to equip myself, or us, with the strength to endure what the future holds.

They say realists are usually negative. Well I know that is really just what a negative person would say to validate their opinions, by claiming to be realists. I believe that your state of mind let's you see the choices you have to reach the goal. If you don't believe in your goal, you can't possibly believe in a real journey to reach it, can you?

I know that when I am alone, it is so hard to believe that I've found him, or he found me, but it just feels so natural when we're together. Alhamdulillah and insyaAllah.

I need to remember that always.

Alhamdulillah and insyaAllah.

An Anecdote on Personal Views.

When you're young and voicing out your opinions immediately makes you feel so smart and wise beyond your years. It's the selfish pride of having opinions, really. Sometimes utterly baseless. Sometimes filled with projections and anecdotes to satisfy a very biased perspective. Sometimes purely self-indulgent to the point of believing the path you are on is the only right path and anyone who agrees with you are also smart and wise and beyond their years.

A youth starts off tottering and jostled about by the current of objectivity. The innate urge to be 'awesome' and amount to something puts energy into your rebellious mind and you start to swim upstream, feeling all powerful against the current. But then again, my dear, all salmons swim upstream to die the same death.

Enter the point of believing you are the savior, the maverick, the hero everybody is waiting for. Your every word, every emotional outburst, every creation is a gift from God. You hold to that belief. They will start to see it your way. And then they'll be on the right path. Your ideas will stir the mass into an inspired confusion of admiration. Oh this what you see in your bubble of air, safe and sound from the "mass" but indifferent to those similarly trapped in their personal bubbles.

Come out, child. Burst your bubble. Don't worry much because the air is sweeter out here. Look around and realise that you are not alone. Everybody is in an infinitely wide pool, seemingly aimless but surely they swim to a point only they can see. Question them if you can't see what they see but never try to steer them to a course they do not need or want to go to. If you are lucky, they'll let you in for a while and you can sip a bit of their air in their flavour of choice. You might not like it but please be polite and take a taste. You might be surprised how flavours added to yours can create an entirely new and wonderful kind of vision.

Get high and visit their castles in the air and maybe your own will start to look more solid and real and no storm can break it away from that pinnacle of success you're climbing to.

Good luck. If you crash, fear not. Not everybody is stuck in their own bubble or floating aimlessly along the current. Sometimes you'll find another soul flitting around like you. If you crash, there'll be others to help you up, if you say please.

Good luck and think again and again.

Love,

I love it when you start to talk about your theories on how music has a formulaic design to it, how religion keeps us sane and calm, how philosophy keeps us questioning the questionable beliefs, how conspiracy theories conspire, how science randomly bites the scientists up their hypotheses…

And when you tease and taunt me. And your wide cheeky smile blooms. And you throw back your head to give out your insanely naughty laugh. And when you stop and stare again at me. And when you stroke my head lovingly. And when you whisper pet names.

You have got to be the sexiest man I’ve ever dated.




I must’ve done something right in life or I should start to do so just so that I deserve you.

Jobless no more!

Senior Writer.

Try saying that with a wide smile and a dreamy gaze in the eyes. That's how I say it.

*smiles dreamily* Senior Writer.

I'm back to doing something that I've always enjoyed (and hopefully prove to have a talent for). I'm writing for architecture, design and interior magazines. I used to work part-time as an Editorial Assistant for Blueprint Asia way back when I was taking my M.A. This time around, I'm working full time as a Senior Writer for 2 magazines!

It's not so strenuous, I hope, since both of the magazines aren't monthly issues. Home Concepts is bi-monthly whereas SPACE is issued quarterly.

:)

I'm just thoroughly happy that I get to do what I love to do.

*adjusts imaginary Architecture Nerd glasses because I'm actually wearing contact lenses*

I see you everywhere.

I think, for most of us, what we find attractive is really a sort of familiarity because it evokes fond memories of peaceful times. Also, familiarity is a consistency and consistency shows stability. We are attracted to familiar faces because, in love, we crave nothing more than stability.

But we didn’t stop to think if it’ll hurt to see the faces that remind us of the ones that didn’t work out.

Sunday Breakfast Club

I've had the best childhood because of my neighbours. Somehow, especially after high school and entering uni, we drifted apart, which is strange seeing that we literally live in a row and only a fence away from the next house.

Have to thank twitter, though. Setting up a breakfast get-together got even easier because of instant updates. We should do this more often. :)

Here are yours truly, my sister Afi, Kak Ima, Nayya and Shahida. Kak Tisha was supposed to join us but she hit the snooze button. :(

 Photos stolen from Kak Ima's facebook album. ;)

Give it up.

I'm so sorry.
I'm so so sorry.


But maybe. Quite possibly.
I am supposed to give up on waiting for something that's never promised for me.

I've been crying at intervals for the past couple of days. I'm trying to come to terms. There are people fated to be found and there are people fated to be alone. The strength is leaving me. I have more reasons to stop believing in a love out there for me. I'm 27 years old and all the relationships I had never lasted longer than a year and I had to change myself, sometimes entirely, to fit another person's ideal. I am always the one to make the first moves. I detected their desires and I changed accordingly and lived a lie, knowing deep inside that one day they'd leave me.

So what gives me the right to believe that there is someone out there who'd love and accept me entirely when that has never happened in my whole life?

What gives me the right to believe that I deserve to be loved?

Stupid girl.

Stop being so stupid.

Give up already. Give up and move on.